Texas Sets Another Jobs Record (Because Apparently, We’re All Just Side Hustling Now)

Ah, Texas—the land of opportunity, where the jobs are plentiful, the unemployment rate is technically not a crisis, and the only thing growing faster than the economy is the line at Whataburger. The latest numbers from the Texas Workforce Commission are in, and boy, do they paint a picture of a state that’s definitely not just surviving, but thriving—unless you’re in Eagle Pass, where the unemployment rate is higher than the average Texan’s tolerance for California transplants.

Let’s break it down: Texas added 28,100 jobs in May, which is roughly the same number of people who moved to Austin last month alone, only to realize they can’t afford rent. The trade and transportation sector led the charge, proving once and for all that Texans will always find a way to buy more stuff and then complain about traffic. Close behind? Leisure and hospitality, because nothing says “economic boom” like an army of underpaid baristas and hotel clerks keeping the dream alive for tourists who think brisket is a personality trait.

Meanwhile, Austin’s unemployment rate inched up to a devastating 3.3%, which, in tech-bro terms, translates to: “I’m between disruptors right now, but my Substack is killing it.” The capital city added 6,700 jobs, most of which probably require a four-year degree, a tolerance for kombucha, and the ability to discuss blockchain at brunch.

San Antonio, ever the overachiever, added 5,700 jobs, with construction leading the way—because nothing says “economic vitality” like another luxury apartment complex nobody can afford. And let’s not forget Midland, where the unemployment rate is a cool 3%, because when your entire economy runs on oil, you either have a job or you’re very good at pretending to be a roughneck.

But let’s be real—the real winners here are the bureaucrats at the Texas Workforce Commission, who somehow managed to spin ‘more people looking for work’ as a good thing. “The strength of Texas’ economy lies in its hardworking people,” said Commissioner Alberto Treviño III, conveniently ignoring the fact that ‘hardworking’ in this context often means ‘working three jobs to afford a studio apartment.’

So, congratulations, Texas! You’re winning at capitalism, one underpaid service job at a time. Just don’t look too closely at Eagle Pass, where the unemployment rate is higher than the temperature in July. But hey, at least we’re not California, right?