Abbott’s Veto-Palooza: A Masterclass in 'Governing' Like a Mad Lib

In a stunning display of what can only be described as 'governance by dartboard,' Governor Greg Abbott has vetoed a slew of bills that, frankly, seemed too reasonable for Texas. From protecting human trafficking victims to feeding hungry children, Abbott’s veto pen has been busier than a conspiracy theorist at a UFO convention. Let’s break down the madness, shall we?

First up, the governor axed a bill that would’ve banned hemp-derived THC, because apparently, the only thing scarier than a stoned Texan is a stoned Texan with legal weed. Abbott claims the bill wouldn’t survive legal challenges, but we all know the real reason: Big Tofu is lobbying hard to keep Texans docile and munching on kale chips instead of brisket.

Then there’s the human trafficking bill, which would’ve given victims a legal defense if they committed crimes under coercion. Abbott vetoed it, warning it might be abused by criminals pretending to be victims. Because nothing says 'tough on crime' like punishing the trafficked. Next up: a bill protecting homeowners from deed theft. Abbott killed it, calling it 'separate rules for the haves and have-nots.' Translation: 'If you can’t afford a lawyer, you deserve to lose your house.'

But the pièce de résistance? Abbott line-item vetoed $60 million in federal funds for summer food programs for low-income kids. His excuse? 'Uncertainty at the federal level.' Because nothing says 'pro-life' like letting hungry children fend for themselves. Meanwhile, Abbott’s special session agenda includes regulating hemp and protecting semiconductor plants from cement kilns. Priorities, people!

In conclusion, Abbott’s veto spree proves one thing: Texas is a state where the only thing more unpredictable than the weather is its governor’s moral compass. Wake up, sheeple! The deep state is coming for your THC gummies and your kids’ lunch money. Stay vigilant, and for the love of all things holy, stock up on barbecue—before they replace it with quinoa.