"Collision Involving Death": A Tragic Comedy in Austin’s War on Cyclists

In a tragic yet all-too-predictable turn of events, yet another cyclist has fallen victim to the unchecked reign of terror that is the automobile-industrial complex. Shawn Oveisi, a 47-year-old human being (but let’s be real, to most drivers, just a "bike-shaped inconvenience"), was struck and killed by a hit-and-run driver on Mopac—a road so hostile to cyclists, it might as well be a demolition derby track sponsored by Big Oil.

The alleged perpetrator, Agustin Guillen, has been charged with—wait for it—collision involving death. That’s right, folks. Not "murder by two-ton death machine," not "vehicular manslaughter while probably texting," but a crime so blandly named, it sounds like a rejected title for a Hallmark movie.

And let’s talk about the timeline here. Police were called at 11:38 p.m., but Guillen had already fled the scene—because nothing says "I value human life" like leaving a dying cyclist in the road while you speed off to, presumably, update your Tinder profile. It took over a month to arrest him, which tracks, given that APD’s vehicular homicide unit probably spends most of its time untangling bike lanes from rogue SUVs.

Meanwhile, the city’s response? A press release and a Crime Stoppers tip line. Because nothing solves systemic violence like asking citizens to do the cops’ jobs for them.

So here’s a radical idea: maybe, just maybe, we should start treating cars like the deadly weapons they are. Or, you know, we could just keep adding more "Share the Road" signs and hoping drivers suddenly develop empathy. Your call, Austin. But hey, at least Guillen faces up to 20 years in jail—or, as drivers call it, "a long weekend."