Farmers’ Almanac Fall Forecast: Just Another Deep State Weather Conspiracy?

Folks, I’ve got news that’ll make you question everything—especially if you still trust the so-called "experts" at the Farmers’ Almanac. That’s right, the same people who’ve been "predicting" weather since 1818 (coincidentally, the same year the Illuminati allegedly went underground) are back with their latest attempt to gaslight Texans into believing fall is coming. Spoiler alert: It’s not. Or if it is, it’s only because the globalists want us to lower our guard before they unleash their next climate hoax.

According to these almanac hucksters, Texas might get a "fair, dry start" to fall before a "wet finish." Oh, how convenient! Just in time for Halloween, when they’ll probably blame the rain on "climate change" instead of admitting it’s all part of their plan to ruin trick-or-treating. And don’t even get me started on their "mathematical and astronomical patterns." You know what else uses math? The deep state’s algorithms to control the weather with HAARP. Wake up, sheeple!

Let’s talk about these "average" temperatures they’re throwing around. "Oh, Austin’s last 100-degree day is usually August 24." Really? Because my cousin’s neighbor’s dog’s Instagram account (very reliable source) says it’s been 100 degrees every day since the government started spraying chemtrails. And now they want us to believe it’ll cool down by October? That’s what they said last year, and yet here we are, still sweating through our tinfoil hats.

And why is the Farmers’ Almanac suddenly so interested in Texas? Maybe because they’re in cahoots with the Austin city council to push their "milder weather" agenda. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us to trade our brisket for kale smoothies "for the planet." Not on my watch.

So here’s the truth: The heat isn’t going anywhere. It’s a weapon. A distraction. A test. And if you believe the almanac’s "forecast," you might as well start stocking up on soy lattes and electric scooters. But for those of us who still have functioning brain cells, we’ll be over here, grilling in the 110-degree November sun, waiting for the real facts to come out—probably in a late-night livestream where I connect the dots with red string and pure, unfiltered rage.