Ted Cruz Declares War on Common Sense: Let AI Run Wild, Y’all

In a stunning move that can only be described as 'totally not suspicious at all,' Senator Ted Cruz has boldly declared that AI should be allowed to run wild, free from the oppressive shackles of state regulations. Because nothing says 'freedom' like letting unshackled algorithms decide your future, right? Cruz, ever the champion of corporate interests disguised as 'innovation,' insists that the only thing standing between America and AI domination is—you guessed it—those pesky state laws trying to prevent things like AI-generated child pornography. Who needs those, anyway?

Cruz’s brilliant plan involves dangling a $500 million carrot in front of states, but only if they promise to sit quietly for a decade while Silicon Valley figures out how to monetize your deepest fears. 'A single state should not have the power to set AI rules for the entire country,' says Cruz, presumably while whispering sweet nothings into the ears of Big Tech lobbyists. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from history, it’s that letting corporations regulate themselves always ends well—just ask the railroads, Big Tobacco, or Facebook.

Meanwhile, Texas, fresh off banning books and regulating women’s bodies, suddenly remembers it has children to protect—but only when convenient. State Senator Angela Paxton (R-Allen) is clutching her pearls over the idea that Texas might not be able to enforce its brand-new, totally-not-reactionary AI laws. 'This is a federal overreach!' she cries, as if Texas hasn’t spent the last decade gleefully suing the federal government over every minor inconvenience.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: rural broadband expansion. Because nothing says 'priorities' like threatening to yank $40 billion in infrastructure funding unless states agree to let AI run amok. Senator Maria Cantwell (D-Wash.) summed it up perfectly: Cruz’s provision forces states to choose between 'protecting consumers' and 'expanding critical broadband.' But hey, who needs internet when you can have unchecked robot overlords, right?

So buckle up, folks. The future is here, and it’s being written by a man who once fled to Cancún during a power crisis. What could possibly go wrong?