Bumble’s Latest Match? Unemployment.

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Bumble—the dating app that revolutionized romance by forcing women to make the first move—has decided to revolutionize unemployment instead. That’s right, folks, 240 employees are about to experience the ultimate swipe left from their paychecks. But don’t worry, it’s all part of Bumble’s bold new strategy: Fewer Employees, More Vibes™.

CEO Whitney Wolfe Herd, fresh off her sabbatical (which, let’s be honest, was probably just a year-long juice cleanse in the Maldives), has returned with a vengeance. Her vision? A start-up mentality. Because nothing says disruption like laying off 30% of your workforce and calling it intentional rebuilding. Truly, this is the kind of leadership that would make Elon Musk nod approvingly between hits of his vape.

But fear not, dear ex-employees! Bumble has generously set aside a cool $18 million for severance packages. That’s roughly $75,000 per person—enough to fund approximately three months of rent in Austin before you’re forced to move back in with your parents. Silver linings!

Meanwhile, Wall Street is loving this move. Bumble’s stock shot up 25% on the news, proving once again that the only thing investors love more than growth is cost-cutting disguised as innovation. Who needs employees when you’ve got AI-powered matchmaking? (Spoiler: Probably the employees who just got laid off.)

And let’s not ignore the real tragedy here: the dating app industry is struggling. Gen Z would rather touch grass than swipe right, and honestly, can you blame them? After years of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and submarining, young people have realized that algorithms can’t fix loneliness—but hey, at least Bumble is trying to fix its bottom line.

So here’s to Bumble, boldly leading the charge into a future where fewer humans means more profits. Because if there’s one thing modern love needs, it’s corporate efficiency. Swipe right if you agree—or just swipe left on your career. Either way, Whitney wins.