BREAKING: Austin Police Ruin Perfectly Good Gunfight by Enforcing 'Laws'

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, two men have been charged with murder in Southeast Austin—because apparently, exchanging gunfire in the middle of the night is frowned upon by the so-called "justice system." Johnny Ybarra, 34, and Manuel Medina, 37, are now facing the wrath of the Austin Police Department, who seem to think that shooting someone is, and I quote, "illegal."

According to the APD, these two upstanding citizens decided to turn Thrasher Lane into the Wild West on December 13th, resulting in the tragic death of Erik Tijerina. Police arrived at the scene at 3:53 a.m., presumably after neighbors complained about the noise disrupting their beauty sleep. Tijerina, who was found in a front yard with gunshot wounds (a classic Austin welcome), later died in the hospital.

Ybarra was swiftly arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon—because nothing says "I’m innocent" like getting caught with the smoking gun. Meanwhile, Medina was living his best life until Wednesday, when the long arm of the law finally caught up with him. Both men now face murder charges, proving once again that crime doesn’t pay… unless you’re a politician, in which case, carry on.

The APD, in their infinite wisdom, has declared there are no additional suspects—because who needs more culprits when you’ve already got two? And of course, they’ve shared no details about why this shooting happened, leaving us all to speculate. Was it a dispute over the last breakfast taco? A heated debate about the best BBQ joint in town? Or just another day in Austin’s war on common sense?

If you have any information, the APD urges you to come forward—but let’s be real, if you saw something, you’re probably already running for the hills. Stay vigilant, folks. The streets are watching. And so is the deep state. Probably.