opinion
Luxury Real Estate or How to Buy Your Way Out of a Personality
Austin's elite continue to outdo themselves with absurdly priced mansions, while the rest of us wonder if we'll ever afford a closet-sized apartment. A satirical breakdown of the city's most expensive homes.
Published June 27, 2025 at 9:00am
Ah, yes. Another day, another list of grotesque monuments to wealth that make my tiny, rent-controlled punk house look like a shoebox with a leaky roof. Let’s take a stroll through the latest batch of Austin’s most expensive homes—because nothing says "Keep Austin Weird" like a $13 million mansion with a reclaimed church door (how very humble of them).
First up, we’ve got 16001 Pontevedra Pl, a modest $3.8 million shack where the rich can pretend they’re "roughing it" in nature while sipping artisanal mezcal by their infinity pool. The listing boasts "secluded privacy"—which, in punk terms, translates to "no one can hear you scream when you realize you’ve become the villain in a gentrification horror story."
Then there’s 2703 Twin Oaks Blvd, a minimalist masterpiece where the fireplace is a "statement" (probably something like, "I have too much money and no soul"). The best part? It’s in Allandale, a neighborhood that used to be affordable until tech bros discovered it and decided a "short drive to downtown" was worth pricing out everyone who actually made Austin cool.
But let’s not overlook 5905 Bold Ruler Way, a hacienda-style McMansion with six bathrooms for… reasons? I guess when you’re this rich, you need a dedicated throne room for every mood. And don’t worry, the "nostalgic architecture" will make you forget you’re living in a city where the rest of us are fighting landlords for basic repairs.
The pièce de résistance? 3500 Bunny Run. Yes, that’s the actual address. For just under $13 million, you too can live on a street named after a small woodland creature while occupying 8,593 square feet of pure excess. The reclaimed church door is a nice touch—nothing says "spiritual awakening" like turning a sacred artifact into a conversation starter for your cocktail parties.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here dumpster-diving for furniture and praying our DIY venues don’t get turned into condos. But hey, at least these luxury homeowners can sleep soundly knowing their property values are safe… until the next wave of even richer assholes rolls into town and out-bids them. Stay weird, Austin. Or, at this point, just stay rich.