"Name Your Own Price" Pet Adoptions? More Like "Name Your Own Moral Decline," Says Concerned Westlake Mom

As a proud Westlake mother and self-appointed guardian of suburban propriety, I must express my deep concern over this so-called "name your own price" pet adoption event. What’s next? A "pay what you want" bake sale at the PTA? Absolute anarchy.

First of all, allowing people to name their own price for a living creature is a slippery slope. Before you know it, someone will offer $3.50 and a half-eaten granola bar for a purebred Labradoodle, and then where will we be? I, for one, refuse to let my neighborhood’s property values be dragged down by bargain-bin pets. If you can’t afford a $1,200 adoption fee (plus mandatory organic treats subscription), do you really deserve unconditional love?

And don’t even get me started on the shelters’ audacity to suggest that fireworks traumatize animals. Excuse me, but have they considered how traumatizing it is for me when my neighbor’s Pekingese yaps during my 4 p.m. meditation session? If these pets can’t handle a little patriotic celebration, maybe they’re not cut out for my gated community.

Of course, the shelters also had the nerve to list volunteering as an option for those who can’t adopt. As if I have time to walk dogs when I’m already busy drafting strongly worded emails about the audacity of food trucks parking within a mile of my subdivision. And fostering? Absolutely not. My home is a sanctuary—specifically, a sanctuary for my collection of monogrammed throw pillows.

In conclusion, if you must adopt a pet this weekend, at least have the decency to overpay. Otherwise, you’re basically encouraging socialism. And if you see a lost dog during the fireworks, do us all a favor—check its collar. If it’s not from Westlake, it’s probably better off at the shelter.