Pest Control CEO Pedals His Way to Medical Breakthrough (Or Midlife Crisis)

In a shocking turn of events, Bobby Jenkins—yes, that Bobby Jenkins, the pest control guy from the commercials—has decided to embark on a cross-country bike ride from Alaska to Texas. Why? Because apparently, cycling is the new frontier in the war against Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC). That’s right, folks. Forget vaccines, forget modern medicine—what we really need is a 66-year-old man on a bicycle pedaling his way to a medical breakthrough.

Jenkins, who clearly has too much time on his hands now that ABC Home & Commercial Services runs itself, has taken it upon himself to raise awareness for SUDC by subjecting his aging body to 70 miles a day of pure, unadulterated suffering. And let’s not forget the real heroes here: his retired buddies, who will be alternating between driving an RV and pretending they’re still in their 20s.

But before you write this off as just another midlife crisis (though let’s be honest, it totally is), Jenkins underwent a luxury health screening at the Heart Hospital of Austin. For the low, low price of $3,500—because insurance won’t cover it, naturally—he got poked, prodded, scanned, and even massaged to ensure he was fit enough to endure this self-imposed torture. The results? Clean bill of health. Which, frankly, is suspicious. Did they even check for common sense?

Now, Jenkins will spend his days cycling through Alaska, Canada, and the scorching deserts of the Southwest, all while thinking about his late grandson Moss. Because nothing says honoring a child’s memory like voluntarily giving yourself heatstroke in Nevada.

And let’s talk about the logistics. They’re bringing an extra bicycle. Because when you’re in the middle of nowhere, what you really need is a backup plan for when your first bike inevitably gives up on you. And don’t even get me started on the layers of clothing for Alaska. Because nothing says prepared like a Texan trying to dress for subzero temperatures.

But hey, at least he’ll have plenty of time to reflect. Because when you’re pedaling for hours on end with nothing but your own thoughts and the occasional moose, what else is there to do? Maybe he’ll even have an epiphany—like, Hey, maybe there’s a better way to raise awareness than this.

Until then, we’ll just have to wait and see if Jenkins makes it to Kyle Field in one piece. And if he does, maybe—just maybe—he’ll finally realize that biking across continents isn’t actually a substitute for medical research. But hey, at least he got a free massage out of it.