Self-Driving Cars Under Fire for Doing Exactly What We Expected Them to Do

In a shocking turn of events, the federal government has decided to investigate self-driving cars after they did what self-driving cars do best: crash into things. The probe, which began after an Austin man tragically became a hood ornament for a Ford Mustang Mach-E, has now expanded to include 11 automakers. Because nothing says "progress" like a fleet of AI-powered death machines roaming our highways.

Ford’s BlueCruise system, marketed as "hands-free highway driving," apparently interprets "hands-free" as "brain-free," since it failed to notice stationary vehicles—a real bummer for anyone who enjoys not being rear-ended at 75 mph. The NHTSA, in a rare moment of clarity, noted that the system has "limitations," such as, you know, not working at night or when there’s a car in front of it. Groundbreaking stuff.

Meanwhile, Tesla—Austin’s favorite tech circus—is also under scrutiny after its robotaxis were caught on camera driving like they were piloted by a caffeinated squirrel. Elon Musk’s response? "Competitive harm." Translation: "Please don’t look at how our cars occasionally mistake pedestrians for speed bumps."

And let’s not forget the victim, Jeffrey Allen Johnson, whose Honda CR-V was transformed into a modern art installation by a Mach-E driver who later described the incident as, "I saw a black thing, and that’s about all." Truly, the future of transportation is here, folks. Buckle up—or don’t, because apparently, neither does the AI.

As the NHTSA scrambles to ask automakers 25 very serious questions, one can’t help but wonder: Is the real self-driving technology just… a guy in the trunk with a PlayStation controller? Stay tuned for the next episode of Silicon Valley’s Greatest Hits: Who Let the Robots Drive?