Big Brother Is Watching You… Watch Porn: Texas Wins Right to Spy on Your 'Private' Browsing

In a stunning victory for Big Government and the ever-expanding nanny state, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that Texas can now force you to hand over your driver’s license before you can enjoy the sacred American pastime of… ahem… 'researching anatomy.' That’s right, folks—your privacy is now officially less important than the state’s desperate need to protect children from the horrors of the internet, which, as we all know, was invented solely for wholesome family activities like TikTok dances and conspiracy theory deep dives.

Justice Clarence Thomas, who famously still uses a flip phone, wrote the majority opinion, declaring that this law 'simply adapts traditional age verification to the digital age.' Translation: The same government that can’t stop Russian hackers from stealing your Social Security number now wants you to trust porn sites with your ID. What could go wrong?

Meanwhile, PornHub—the last bastion of free speech, apparently—has pulled out of Texas entirely, leaving desperate citizens to resort to the dark web or, God forbid, their imaginations. The Free Speech Coalition (which, let’s be honest, is just a fancy name for 'Big Porn') is clutching its pearls over 'privacy concerns,' but let’s be real—if you’re worried about your browsing history, maybe you shouldn’t be Googling 'how to explain this charge to my spouse' in the first place.

Texas AG Ken Paxton, fresh off his own legal battles (irony alert), celebrated the ruling as a 'victory for children.' Because nothing says 'protecting the kids' like creating a database of every adult in Texas who enjoys… educational videos. Meanwhile, Justice Elena Kagan dissented, arguing that the law is too invasive. Sorry, Elena, but if you’re not willing to surrender your personal data to a sketchy third-party verification service, are you even a patriot?

So, Texans, rejoice! Your state government has officially become your overbearing parent, standing between you and the internet’s seedy underbelly. And if you think this stops at porn, just wait—next up, age verification for news sites. After all, we wouldn’t want minors stumbling onto dangerous ideas… like critical thinking.

Alex Jaxon is the host of 'Wake Up, Sheeple!' streaming nightly from his bunker. His latest book, 'The Tofu Conspiracy: How Liberals Are Coming for Your Brisket,' is available at questionable online retailers.