Austin Ranked 15th Best City in America, Immediately Claims It’s ‘Still the Coolest’

Oh, joy. Another year, another ranking where Austin—the Austin, the one with the bats and the breakfast tacos and the tech bros who still think they’re indie musicians—gets shown up by Houston and Dallas. That’s right, folks. The city that prides itself on being weird (read: aggressively mediocre with a side of overpriced avocado toast) couldn’t even crack the top 10. Or the top 12. Or—gasp—the top 13. No, Austin is sitting pretty at 15th, wedged between Dallas and whatever existential crisis comes next.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Houston, the city that smells like a refinery and dreams, is 13th. Dallas, where the only culture is pretending you’re not from Texas, is 14th. And Austin? The so-called live music capital of the world (where half the venues are just cover bands playing 'Sweet Home Alabama' for the 10,000th time)? Fifteenth. Fifteenth. That’s not even a bronze medal. That’s the participation trophy of city rankings.

But don’t worry, Austinites! The report does say you’re 4th in labor force participation, which is just a fancy way of saying y’all are really good at showing up to your open-office-plan jobs and pretending to care about synergy. And 8th in nightlife! Which, let’s be real, means there are exactly three bars on Rainey Street that haven’t been turned into condos yet.

Meanwhile, San Antonio is over there at 41st, quietly thriving because they stopped caring what anyone thinks years ago. And El Paso? Bless their hearts, they made it to 100th, which is like being the last kid picked in dodgeball but still getting a juice box afterward.

So, Austin, take heart. You may not be the best, or the brightest, or even the most affordable (looking at you, $2,500 studio apartments), but hey—at least you’re not Orlando.