BREAKING: Violence Erupts in Austin’s ‘Picturesque Poverty’ District

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Austin police are on the hunt for a suspect—or suspects—who allegedly committed the unthinkable crime of checks notes violence at a homeless camp. Yes, folks, in a city where luxury condos sprout like mushrooms after rain and $8 avocado toast is considered a human right, someone had the audacity to disrupt the carefully curated aesthetic of urban decay with an actual crime.

The victim, whose name has not been released (probably because she doesn’t own a $1,200/month studio with exposed brick), was found beaten within an inch of her life at a camp near West Ben White Boulevard. Witnesses—fellow campers who clearly have nothing better to do than exist inconveniently—reportedly stumbled upon her and, in a rare act of human decency, hauled her to the hospital. Police, ever the detectives, deduced that the assailant(s) might gasp frequent the area. Groundbreaking work, really.

Meanwhile, city officials have assured the public that they’re taking this very seriously—right after they finish approving another mixed-use development with a rooftop dog park. Tips are being solicited, but let’s be real: unless the suspect is a rogue scooter or an unpermitted taco truck, APD’s Aggravated Assault unit might as well be chasing ghosts.

So if you’ve got info, call the hotline. Or don’t. Either way, Austin’s relentless march toward becoming a tech-bro dystopia will continue unabated, and this poor woman will just be another statistic in the city’s ongoing performance art piece called 'How to Ignore Poverty While Sipping Artisanal Cold Brew.'