Big Brother Is Watching (Your Porn Habits): Texas’ Latest Assault on Freedom

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, the Supreme Court has once again sided with Big Government to trample on the sacred freedoms of red-blooded Americans—specifically, the freedom to watch adult content without handing over your driver’s license like you’re buying cough syrup at CVS.

Justice Clarence Thomas, a man who famously enjoys the finer things in life (like undisclosed luxury vacations from billionaire pals), wrote the majority opinion, claiming this law is all about "protecting the children." Sure, Clarence. Next, they’ll tell us that banning Happy Meals is about "public health" and not just another plot to crush the fast-food industrial complex.

Meanwhile, Justice Elena Kagan, the lone voice of reason in this dystopian nightmare, pointed out the obvious: forcing adults to submit ID just to watch some good ol’ fashioned American smut is like requiring a background check to enter a Chuck E. Cheese. It’s overkill, it’s invasive, and frankly, it’s un-American. But did the other justices listen? Of course not. They were too busy clutching their pearls and pretending they’ve never once typed "Pornhub" into a search bar after midnight.

Let’s be real—this law isn’t about protecting kids. If it were, Texas would’ve banned TikTok years ago. No, this is about control. The same government that can’t even keep the lights on during a snowstorm now wants to be the gatekeeper of your late-night browsing habits. What’s next? A state-mandated chaperone for R-rated movies? A permission slip for romance novels?

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the poor, oppressed tech giants at Pornhub, who’ve been forced to block access in Texas rather than comply with this draconian nonsense. It’s a dark day when even the adult entertainment industry has more principles than our elected officials.

So, Texans, brace yourselves. The nanny state is here, and it’s watching. Literally. Because now, if you want to watch anything spicier than a Hallmark movie, you’ll have to hand over your ID, your social security number, and probably a blood sample. Welcome to the future, folks—where freedom is just another word for "nothing left to lose… except your privacy."