Round Rock Approves Mixed-Use Zoning, Local HOA Presidents Immediately Draft Angry Petitions

In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the meticulously manicured lawns of Round Rock’s most discerning citizens, the City Council has committed an unspeakable act of progress. That’s right, folks—they’ve approved mixed-use zoning for a whopping half-acre of land near E. Palm Valley Boulevard. Hold onto your monogrammed throw pillows, because this is chaos.

According to Brad Dushkin, the Director of Planning and Development Services (a title so bureaucratic it could put Ambien to shame), this rezoning will allow for gasp restaurants, limited retail, and—brace yourselves—indoor entertainment. Forget the sanctity of veterinary clinics and daycares; we’re now entering a dystopian hellscape where people might eat and shop in the same general vicinity. The horror.

The applicant, AASRA LLC (which sounds suspiciously like a supervillain’s shell company), plans to build a small restaurant, a grocery store, and—because why not—beauty services upstairs. To appease the delicate sensibilities of nearby single-family homeowners, they’ve promised a 6-foot masonry fence, because nothing says “community” like a fortress wall separating you from the plebeians buying avocados next door.

Mayor Craig Morgan, clearly drunk on power, suggested that other properties in the area might also rezone to mixed-use. That’s right, folks—this could be the beginning of a domino effect of economic activity. Next thing you know, people will be walking to brunch instead of idling in their SUVs for 20 minutes to find parking. The audacity.

Meanwhile, in a move that will surely infuriate anyone who thinks history should be preserved in amber (or at least behind velvet ropes), the council also approved partial property tax exemptions for historic buildings. Because nothing says “preservation” like giving landlords a tax break and hoping they’ll use the savings to not let their buildings crumble into dust. Out of 52 applications, only one was denied, proving that Round Rock’s standards for “historic” are about as rigorous as a participation trophy.

So buckle up, Round Rock. The future is here, and it’s mixed-use. Pray for us all.