Texas Justice: Where Fentanyl Deals Get You a One-Way Ticket to a Cell (and a Lifetime of Regret)

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, yet another Texan has been caught in the state’s favorite pastime: fentanyl-related legal drama. Crystal Perez, a 26-year-old entrepreneur from Hutto (because nothing says "small-town charm" like a murder charge), has been accused of supplying the fatal dose to 30-year-old Michael Ackerman. Because nothing says "Texas hospitality" like a lethal transaction followed by a 99-year prison sentence.

Detectives, who apparently have nothing better to do than read dead men’s text messages, discovered that Ackerman had been negotiating with Perez for what was either the world’s worst DoorDash order or just another Tuesday in Williamson County. The affidavit revealed that Ackerman took an Uber to Perez’s home—because nothing screams "discretion" like summoning a rideshare to buy illegal drugs.

Perez, in a move that would make any seasoned criminal defense attorney facepalm, initially claimed she didn’t know Ackerman at all. Later, she upgraded her story to "we texted, but I definitely didn’t sell him anything." Classic. It’s almost like she forgot that phones are, in fact, tiny surveillance devices we voluntarily carry everywhere.

Meanwhile, Texas lawmakers, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that the best way to combat the opioid crisis is to lock people up for decades—because nothing solves addiction like throwing the book at small-time dealers while pharmaceutical execs sip champagne in their mansions. Under the state’s shiny new law, Perez could face a minimum of 15 years, proving once again that Texas justice is as subtle as a sledgehammer to the kneecaps.

So here we are, folks: another tragic tale of bad decisions, worse laws, and the eternal question—why do people keep texting about crimes? The real victim here? Common sense. It died long before Ackerman did.