Texas Legislature Discovers Housing Crisis, Offers Thoughts and Prayers (and Smaller Lots)

Oh, joy! The Texas Legislature has graciously decided to bless us with the revolutionary idea that maybe, just maybe, we should build more houses so people can afford to live in them. What a concept! After years of watching rent prices skyrocket faster than a SpaceX launch, our fearless leaders have finally cracked the code: less red tape, more tiny boxes for humans. Truly groundbreaking stuff.

Let’s start with the pièce de résistance: Senate Bill 15, which allows homes to be built on smaller plots of land. Because nothing says "Texas Miracle" like cramming a family of four into a glorified shoebox. But don’t worry—these micro-homesteads must sit on at least 5 acres of land, because we wouldn’t want too many poor people living near each other. That’s just chaos. As state Sen. Paul Bettencourt so eloquently put it, they’ve got a "six-shooter firing bullets at housing affordability problems." Sure, Paul. More like a water pistol aimed at a wildfire.

Then there’s Senate Bill 840, which lets developers turn dying shopping malls into apartments. Because nothing says "home sweet home" like waking up to the faint smell of Auntie Anne’s pretzels and the haunting echoes of a JC Penney that closed in 2017. But hey, at least it’s affordable, right? And if you’re lucky, your new living room might still have a functioning escalator. Talk about luxury!

But wait, there’s more! The Legislature also gutted an old Jim Crow-era law that let NIMBYs (Not In My Backyard, for the uninitiated) block new housing projects. Now, instead of a measly 20% of neighbors being able to veto your dreams of affordable housing, it takes a whopping 60%. Progress! Because nothing says "democracy" like letting a minority of wealthy landowners dictate whether the rest of us get to live somewhere.

And let’s not forget the real hero of this story: the homestead exemption increase. Because nothing solves a housing crisis like giving homeowners a tiny tax break while renters continue to get gouged. But hey, at least Grandma can save a few bucks on her property taxes while her grandkids couch-surf indefinitely.

So there you have it, folks. Texas lawmakers have solved the housing crisis by allowing slightly smaller houses, repurposing dead malls, and tweaking a few outdated laws. Problem solved! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my van down by the river, waiting for the next "miracle."