Abbott Vetoes Child Safety Bill, Cites 'Too Much Oversight' as Leading Cause of Boredom

In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, Governor Greg Abbott has once again proven that Texas values tradition over pesky things like "oversight" and "child safety." By vetoing House Bill 3120—a bipartisan effort to ensure migrant children aren’t being housed in glorified broom closets—Abbott has sent a clear message: if it ain’t broke (or at least if no one’s looking too closely), don’t fix it.

Sheena Rodriguez, a Republican mom who has been fighting for this bill, was seen clutching her lucky number 3120 bracelet like it was the last shred of hope in a state that just legalized child neglect as a cost-saving measure. "You can’t make this up," Rodriguez lamented, presumably while staring into the abyss of Texas politics. And she’s right—you can’t. Because if you tried to pitch this as a dystopian novel, editors would reject it for being "too on the nose."

Abbott, in his veto statement, praised the bill’s intentions, saying it could help local authorities respond to emergencies. "If a fire breaks out, firefighters should know how many people they need to search for inside," he wrote, accidentally making the best argument for the bill while simultaneously killing it. Classic Abbott—like a chef who describes a delicious meal before throwing it in the trash.

But fear not, concerned citizens! The governor assures us that now is "not the right time" to adjust the rules, because under President Trump, the trafficking of unaccompanied minors has decreased. That’s right, folks—since fewer kids are being smuggled, we no longer need to care about the ones already here. Flawless logic. Next up: since fewer people are dying in car crashes, let’s stop requiring seat belts.

Meanwhile, in the real world, reports of sexual abuse, overcrowding, and flu outbreaks in these facilities continue to pile up like unpaid bills on a lobbyist’s desk. But hey, at least Texas is leading the nation in something—most children released from detention centers! Take that, California!

Rodriguez, who runs a conservative advocacy group, was "devastated" by the veto. But let’s be honest, what did she expect? This is Texas, where the only thing we regulate harder than abortion is common sense.

So, as we celebrate another victory for small government (and by "small government," we mean "government small enough to ignore children in crisis"), let’s all raise a glass of lukewarm prison water to Governor Abbott. Because nothing says "pro-life" like turning a blind eye to kids in cages. Wake up, sheeple! The deep state isn’t coming for your barbecue—it’s coming for your humanity. And it’s winning.},