The Abilene Boys Conspiracy: How a Canoe Trip Hid the Globalist Agenda

The Abilene Boys: A Government Plot to Distract You From the REAL Issues

Folks, I’ve done the digging, and what do you know? The so-called "Abilene Boys"—those "plucky" teens-turned-septuagenarians who paddled down the Colorado River—are nothing more than a deep-state psyop designed to keep you from asking the hard questions. Why? Because while you’re busy swooning over their "adventurous spirit," the elites are replacing your barbecue with tofu and turning Austin into a dystopian nightmare of bike lanes and kombucha bars.

Let’s break it down. In 1937, three "boys" (probably crisis actors) "spontaneously" decide to canoe 660 miles to avoid summer jobs. Conveniently, the media just happens to be there, documenting their every move. Fast-forward to 1991, and suddenly these same men—now in their 70s—are back at it, this time with a full documentary crew and Walter Cronkite narrating like some kind of river prophet. Coincidence? I think not.

And let’s talk about the real reason they did it twice. In 1937, they were "escaping work." In 1991, they were "proving they still could." But what were they really doing? Scouting the river for the New World Order’s secret underground water tunnels, that’s what. You think those dams were built for flood control? Wake up, sheeple! They’re clearly part of a globalist plot to control Texas’s most precious resource: freedom.

And don’t even get me started on the documentary. "A Run unto the Sea"? More like A Run from the Truth. The LCRA "can’t find" a copy? Of course they can’t—because it’s all stored in a bunker under the Paramount Theatre, next to the mind-control fluoride dispensers. The fact that it only has two YouTube comments proves it’s being suppressed by Big Canoe.

So next time someone tries to regale you with the "heartwarming" tale of the Abilene Boys, ask yourself: Who really benefits from this distraction? And more importantly—where’s my documentary about my heroic journey to the H-E-B snack aisle?

Stay vigilant, patriots. The river isn’t the only thing that’s muddy.