Austin Schools Discover Radical New Strategy: Teaching Children

In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, the Austin school board has approved a plan to checks notes actually educate children. Yes, you heard that right. After years of watching three middle schools flounder like fish out of water—earning a dazzling string of F’s since 2019—the district has finally decided to do something. And by "something," I mean throw $1.7 million at each school like a desperate gambler at a slot machine, hoping for a jackpot.

Superintendent Matias Segura, brimming with the confidence of a man who has never had to explain a failing report card to his parents, declared, "We can 1,000% do this." That’s right, folks. Not 100%. Not even 200%. A full 1,000%. Because when it comes to fixing education, why aim for adequacy when you can shoot for the mathematically impossible?

The plan, based on the Accelerating Campus Excellence model (which sounds suspiciously like a corporate rebranding of "actually teaching kids"), includes daily math and reading coursework. Revolutionary, I know. Who would’ve thought that making children do schoolwork at school would improve their grades? The district is also limiting staff to teachers who have, and I quote, "demonstrated records of high student academic growth." A bold strategy—hiring competent educators. Let’s see if it pays off.

Of course, not everyone is thrilled. About half the staff at these schools won’t be returning, presumably because they’ve grown fond of the "F" lifestyle. Meanwhile, parents and students staged walkouts, because nothing says "we care about education" like skipping class to protest checks notes again efforts to improve education.

Board President Lynn Boswell, in a moment of profound clarity, called this an "existential" issue. Yes, Lynn, it is existential. If these schools don’t shape up, the state might swoop in like a disappointed parent and either shut them down or hand them over to a charter operator. Because nothing fixes failing schools like outsourcing them to the lowest bidder.

And if all else fails? The district has a contingency plan: by December, they can just give up and let a charter school take over. Because why bother fixing something when you can just pawn it off on someone else? It’s the American way.

So here’s to Austin’s grand experiment in education. May the odds—and the 1,000% confidence—be ever in their favor.