STAAR Test Lives On: Texas Lawmakers Prove They Love Torture More Than BBQ

Oh, the STAAR test—Texas’s favorite bureaucratic nightmare, a test so universally despised it makes stepping on a Lego seem like a spa day. And yet, despite lawmakers from both sides of the aisle agreeing it should be tossed into the fiery pits of Austin’s most overpriced taco joint, it lives on. Why? Because nothing says "Texas education" like a good old-fashioned government standoff over who gets to design the next soul-crushing exam for our kids.

Let’s break this down. The House and Senate couldn’t agree on whether the Texas Education Agency (TEA) should be allowed to design the new test. The House, in a rare moment of clarity, said, "Hey, maybe letting the same people who gave us STAAR design its replacement is like asking a raccoon to fix your garbage disposal." Meanwhile, the Senate, ever the optimists, seemed to think the TEA could magically produce something different this time. Spoiler: They can’t.

The compromise? Split STAAR into three smaller tests—because why traumatize kids once a year when you can do it three times? Genius. And let’s not forget the real kicker: parents and teachers would get to see results within 48 hours. Because nothing says "educational progress" like a panic-induced parent-teacher meeting before the kid even finishes their juice box.

But wait, there’s more! The draft also tried to stop school districts from suing the TEA over their accountability ratings. Because nothing screams "fair and balanced" like stripping districts of their right to challenge a system that’s about as transparent as a Greg Abbott press release. State Sen. Paul Bettencourt called it a "constant state of lawfare." Translation: "We’re tired of being held accountable for our own incompetence."

So here we are, folks. STAAR survives another legislative session, proving once again that Texas lawmakers can agree on exactly two things: 1) BBQ is sacred, and 2) standardized testing is the devil. But actually doing something about it? Well, that’s just too much to ask. Maybe next session they’ll finally scrap it—or, more likely, just rename it and pretend they fixed everything. Stay woke, Texas. The deep state’s tofu agenda is coming for your children’s test scores next.

Alex Jaxon is the host of The Lone Star Wake-Up Call, a nightly livestream where he exposes the truth about Austin’s underground kale syndicate. Follow him on TruthSocial @RealAlexJaxon (not verified, obviously).