Austin’s Homeless Navigation Center: The City’s Favorite Game of ‘Not in My Backyard’

In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, the City of Austin has announced plans to relocate the Sunrise Homeless Navigation Center—because nothing says "we care" like shuffling the problem to a different neighborhood. After years of complaints from concerned citizens about used needles, human waste, and the general aura of despair near Joslin Elementary, officials have finally decided that the best solution is to move the whole operation somewhere else. Preferably somewhere with fewer voters.

Council Member Ryan Alter, who has somehow kept a straight face throughout this ordeal, assures us that the new location will be a "good fit." Translation: It’s far enough away from his district that he won’t have to field angry calls from constituents anymore. The city has reportedly zeroed in on a new site, though details are scarce—likely because revealing the location would trigger another round of NIMBY outrage before the ink on the purchase agreement is dry.

Meanwhile, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, ever the champion of the downtrodden (just kidding), has sued the center for being a "common nuisance." Because nothing solves homelessness like litigation. Paxton’s lawsuit claims the center is a "magnet" for drug activity, which, to be fair, is technically true—but only because the city has failed to provide adequate addiction treatment services. But why address root causes when you can just sue a nonprofit?

Sunrise Executive Director Mark Hilbelink, ever the optimist, praised the city’s efforts to "diversify its investments" in homelessness services. That’s bureaucrat-speak for "we’re throwing money at the problem and hoping it goes away." The city has already funneled $3.8 million into Sunrise, which, for context, is roughly enough to buy every homeless person in Austin a luxury tent.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the families who rely on the center’s address to enroll their kids in school. Because nothing says "land of opportunity" like needing a homeless shelter’s mailing address to access public education. David Gray, Austin’s Homeless Strategy Officer, assures us that some services will stay put—because, apparently, homelessness is like a bad breakup: you don’t cut ties completely, you just slowly drift apart.

So, congratulations, Austin. You’ve managed to turn homelessness into a game of musical chairs. Let’s just hope the music doesn’t stop before someone figures out an actual solution.

*Skyler Cochran is a freelance satirist and professional cynic. They currently reside under I-35, where they are drafting their next zine: How to Gentrify a Problem Without Actually Solving It.