Austin’s Restaurant Roulette: Who’s In, Who’s Out, and Who Cares?

Ah, another month, another round of Austin’s culinary carousel spinning wildly while we all pretend to care. June brought us four new restaurants and three closures, because nothing says 'vibrant food scene' like a revolving door of overpriced avocado toast and 'artisanal' tacos that are just glorified street food with a 300% markup. Let’s dive into this gastronomic circus, shall we?

First up, Café Crème has decided to bless the Central Library with its presence. Because nothing says 'intellectual stimulation' like sipping a $9 latte while pretending to read Proust. They’ve got crepes, they’ve got latte art, and soon, they’ll have cocktails—because nothing pairs better with a library than day drinking. Truly, the pinnacle of culture.

Then there’s Le Calamar, rising from the ashes of Underdog like a phoenix, if that phoenix were a French bistro with a Texas twist. Because what the world needs right now is another place serving oysters with hot links. Yes, you read that right. Oysters. And hot links. Together. Bon appétit, I guess?

Paperboy has expanded to South Lamar, because Austin’s obsession with breakfast sandwiches knows no bounds. Now you can wait in line for an overpriced B.E.C. in two locations instead of one! And don’t worry, they’ve got 'lighter options'—probably just the same sandwich but with one less slice of bacon. Revolutionary.

And finally, Poeta has moved into a house, because nothing says 'fine dining' like eating wagyu steak in what used to be someone’s living room. At $65 for a tasting menu, it’s a steal—assuming you’re okay with your 'luxury experience' feeling like a very fancy potluck.

Now, for the closings. Mour Cocina is gone, taking its brunch dreams with it. Owner Felix Jimenez-Gamez started a GoFundMe to cover expenses, because nothing says 'sustainable business model' like crowdsourcing your failure. Allday Pizza closed its trailer to focus on brick-and-mortar locations, which is corporate-speak for 'we realized no one wants to eat pizza in a parking lot.' And Z’Tejas? After 36 years of serving 'Southwestern Tex-Mex' (read: slightly fancier Taco Bell), it’s finally gone. Pour one out for the Kyle location—the last bastion of a dying empire.

So there you have it, folks. Another month, another batch of restaurants opening and closing faster than you can say 'foodie trend.' But hey, at least we’ll always have breakfast tacos. Until those go out of style too.

This story has been updated to add more sarcasm.