opinion
Dating in Austin: A Tragicomedy in Three Overpriced Acts
Austin's latest dating guide serves up budget-friendly romance—or, as we like to call it, 'How to Die Alone But With Instagrammable Moments.'

By Riley Monroe
Published July 1, 2025 at 1:30pm

Oh, joy. Another article telling us how to "date on a dime" in Austin, as if love in this city isn’t already as cheap as the plywood they’re using to build those "luxury" condos. Let’s break down these thrilling suggestions, shall we?
$15: A Stroll and Coffee (Because Nothing Says Romance Like Sweating Through Your Linen Shirt)
Ah, yes. Nothing ignites passion like a 6 a.m. death march along Boggy Creek Greenbelt, where the only thing wilder than the "native plants" is the guy in cargo shorts explaining foraging to you. Then, because you’ve earned it (or because you’re desperate for caffeine), you’ll drag yourself to Desnudo Coffee, where the barista will judge you for ordering anything other than a $12 single-origin pour-over that tastes like existential dread. Pro tip: If your date suggests splitting the bill here, run.
$35: A Swim and a Burger (Because Chlorine is the New Chanel No. 5)
Deep Eddy Pool: where the water is cool, but the vibe is lukewarm at best. Float around like two beached sea lions while children cannonball into your personal space. Then, because hunger and regret have set in, you’ll shuffle over to Pool Burger, where the frozen hurricanes are half-off—just like your self-respect after this date. Nothing says "I’m marriage material" like eating a burger while your hair dries into a salty, chlorine-frizz halo.
$50: A Movie and Jazz (Because Pretending to Like Art House Films is Cheaper Than Therapy)
Ah, the Paramount Theatre, where you’ll sit through Phantom Thread and realize your date has the emotional range of a spoon. But hey, at least the AC works! Then, because you’re both too awkward to call it a night, you’ll descend into the Elephant Room, where the jazz is smooth but the small talk is anything but. Sip your overpriced martini and wonder if this is what "keeping Austin weird" really means—loneliness, but with a saxophone soundtrack.
In conclusion, Austin dating is just a series of humid, overpriced activities where you hope your personality outshines your credit card debt. Good luck out there, lovers. You’ll need it.