Fourth of July in Austin: Paying $125 to Pretend You’re Not Basic

Ah, the Fourth of July in Austin—where the only thing more explosive than the fireworks is the sheer audacity of charging $125 for a "Red, White and Bougie" rooftop party. Nothing says "freedom" like sipping overpriced champagne while staring down at the plebs below, am I right?

Let’s start with the Austin Symphony Orchestra’s free concert at Auditorium Shores. Free, you say? Sure, if you ignore the $50 parking, the $15 watered-down beer, and the existential dread of realizing you’re surrounded by people who unironically clap along to "Stars and Stripes Forever." And don’t even think about bringing your dog—unless it’s a "trained service dog," which, let’s be honest, is code for "emotional support golden retriever wearing a fake vest."

Then there’s Mozart’s Coffee, where you can watch National Treasure on a paddleboard for $20. Because nothing screams patriotism like balancing on a glorified pool noodle while Nicolas Cage yells about the Declaration of Independence. Meanwhile, over at the Omni Barton Creek Resort, you can drop $50 just to stand on a lawn and eat barbecue that’s "complimentary"—which, in resort-speak, means "you already paid for it in your day pass."

Buda’s offering a bike parade, because nothing says "America" like a bunch of suburban dads in cargo shorts pedaling slowly down Main Street. And if you’re feeling extra spicy, head to the Carpenter Hotel’s pool party, where $35 buys you the privilege of swimming in the same water as a bunch of influencers trying to get the perfect Instagram shot.

But the real winner? The Loren Hotel’s "Red, White and Bougie" event, where for the low, low price of $125, you can eat picnic food that’s been gentrified into "reception-style dinner" and watch fireworks from a rooftop. Because why celebrate independence when you can celebrate exclusivity?

And let’s not forget Willie Nelson’s picnic, where you’ll pay $100 to sit in a field and listen to a 91-year-old man sing about weed while Bob Dylan mumbles through "Blowin’ in the Wind." Truly, the American dream.

So grab your wallet, your sunscreen, and your tolerance for corporate-sponsored patriotism. Happy Fourth, y’all—just remember, freedom isn’t free, but it sure is expensive in Austin.