Austin Named 8th Best STEM Metro—Because Apparently, We Needed Another Participation Trophy

Oh wow, Austin is the eighth best metro for STEM professionals? Eighth? That’s like being the eighth most attractive person at a tech conference—technically above average, but still not getting free drinks at the afterparty. Congrats, I guess?

According to the very serious folks at CoworkingCafe, Austin’s STEM job growth is a whopping 42.2% per 1,000 jobs. That’s impressive, until you realize half of those jobs are just people tweeting ‘#Web3’ and ‘#AI’ while waiting in line for $14 avocado toast. And let’s not forget the real MVP here: UT Austin, churning out fresh-faced engineers who will immediately be underpaid relative to San Jose salaries but will still flex their ‘tech bro’ status on Hinge profiles.

Thom Singer, CEO of the Austin Technology Council (which sounds like a supervillain group for people who unironically say ‘synergy’), insists Austin is ‘not just a tech hub, but a science city.’ Sure, Thom. And I’m not just a guy who vapes too much—I’m a ‘cloud architect of life.’ The real science happening here is how quickly rent prices defy the laws of economics.

Meanwhile, Dallas is out here flexing at sixth place with 6,552 STEM establishments, probably because they actually build things instead of just tweeting about disruption. And San Antonio? Houston? Bless their hearts, ranking in the 30s like they accidentally showed up to a hackathon in flip-flops.

But don’t worry, Austin stans—Thom says those pesky Wall Street Journal articles claiming our tech reign is over are ‘not based in reality.’ Neither is the idea that any normal human can afford a house here, but hey, at least we’ve got ‘smart young people’ and ‘new ideas.’ Mostly just new ways to monetize your attention span, but details, details.

So raise your artisanal cold brew, Austin. We’re eighth-best at something. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go Venmo my landlord another $2,500 for my ‘disruptive live-work pod.’