Fourth of July Traffic: A Patriotic Test of Human Endurance

Ah, yes—another Fourth of July, another opportunity for millions of Americans to test the limits of their sanity by willingly subjecting themselves to the automotive equivalent of a Black Friday stampede. According to the latest data from AAA Texas, a staggering 5.7 million Texans will hit the road this week, proving once again that nothing says “freedom” like sitting in gridlock for three hours while your air conditioning wheezes like a dying asthmatic.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Gas prices are technically lower than last year, which is great news if you enjoy the idea of saving 30 cents per gallon while burning $50 worth of fuel idling behind an F-250 with truck nuts and a “Don’t Tread on Me” sticker. Meanwhile, airfare is up 4%, because airlines have collectively decided that your suffering should at least come with complimentary peanuts and a middle seat.

And let’s not forget the other modes of travel—buses, trains, and cruises—where you can enjoy the unique thrill of being trapped in a metal tube with strangers who’ve pre-gamed their patriotism with enough Bud Light to fill a kiddie pool. AAA reports a 7.4% increase in these “alternative” travel methods, which I can only assume is due to people realizing that being stuck on a cruise ship with a norovirus outbreak is still marginally better than I-35 at 5 PM.

But fear not, fellow road warriors! AAA has some groundbreaking advice to help you survive this vehicular apocalypse: Drive in the morning! Pack an emergency kit! Maybe don’t lock your keys in the car this time! Truly, we are blessed to have such wisdom bestowed upon us.

So as you prepare to merge onto the highway this Fourth of July, remember: You’re not stuck in traffic. You are the traffic. And isn’t that the most American thing of all?