Texas Lawmakers Discover New Educational Tool: The Stone Tablet

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe everyone with a functioning brain), Texas has once again decided that the best way to educate children is by forcing them to stare at ancient stone tablets while pretending it’s "history" and not just blatant Christian nationalism. Because nothing says "academic excellence" like a government-mandated religious relic in every classroom.

More than 20 families and faith leaders—apparently unaware that Texas is now a theocracy—have filed a lawsuit against 11 school districts, including Austin, Lake Travis, and Dripping Springs. Their argument? That forcing the Ten Commandments into public schools violates the Constitution. Silly plaintiffs! Don’t they know the Constitution is just a suggestion when you’ve got a Republican supermajority and a governor who thinks separation of church and state is a liberal hoax?

Senator Phil King, the genius behind this divine legislation, insists the Ten Commandments are just a "historical document." Sure, Phil. And next, we’ll be putting up the Magna Carta in gym class because nothing inspires kids to run laps like 13th-century British law. Meanwhile, Governor Greg Abbott—who clearly missed the memo about not using Twitter for legal strategy—has vowed to "win that battle" in court. Because if there’s one thing Texas excels at, it’s wasting taxpayer money defending unconstitutional nonsense.

Pastor Griff Martin, one of the plaintiffs, had the audacity to say that his children’s faith should be shaped by his family and religious community, not the state. How radical! Next, he’ll be suggesting that parents should have a say in their kids’ education. The horror!

The real kicker? The Supreme Court just ruled that parents can opt their kids out of reading books with LGBTQ+ themes because of ~religious objections~. But apparently, forcing the Ten Commandments on every student is totally fine. Consistency? Never heard of her.

Meanwhile, in Louisiana, a court actually blocked a similar law. But don’t worry, Texas will ignore that precedent because, as we all know, the rules don’t apply when you’re on a holy crusade to turn public schools into Sunday school.

So buckle up, folks. The battle for the soul of Texas education rages on, and if history is any indication, it’ll be settled the same way every Texas policy debate is: with a lot of shouting, a few lawsuits, and zero self-awareness.