Texas to Robot Cars: 'Cool Your Jets, Literally'

Texas, the land of wide-open roads, cowboy boots, and now—glitchy robot cars that occasionally forget they’re supposed to not crash. Governor Greg Abbott, in a rare moment of acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, letting tech companies play Grand Theft Auto: Autonomous Edition on public roads wasn’t the best idea, has signed a new law reining in our soon-to-be robot overlords.

Under the old rules, AV companies could basically roll out their beta-testing death machines with the same level of oversight as a food truck permit. No reporting, no accountability—just vibes and a vague hope that the AI wouldn’t mistake a pedestrian for a tumbleweed. But after Cruise’s robotaxis turned Austin streets into a real-life game of Frogger, lawmakers finally realized, Oh right, maybe we should check if these things work before they mow down a kindergarten class.

The new law, which takes effect in 2026 (because bureaucracy moves at the speed of a dial-up modem), will force companies to prove their cars can, you know, drive before unleashing them on the public. Shocking concept. Until then, Tesla’s out here doing whatever Elon wants, because when has Elon ever let regulations stop him?

Meanwhile, the AV industry is sweating harder than a guy in a suit at a Texas summer BBQ. They’re terrified that one rogue AI semi-truck with a glitch could ruin it for everyone. Because nothing says innovation like a fleet of driverless trucks jackknifing on I-45 while blasting Baby Shark on loop.

And let’s not forget the real heroes in this dystopian future: first responders, who now have to figure out how to arrest a car. Sir, step out of the vehicle—oh wait, there’s no sir. Just circuits and existential dread. Waymo claims its cars can detect sirens and hand signals, which is great, unless the cop’s waving at it like, No, seriously, pull over, and the car just interprets it as dab uncontrollably.

But hey, experts swear this is all for the greater good. In 30 years, they promise, we’ll look back at human-driven cars the way we now look at leeches in medicine. Until then, enjoy the chaos—and maybe invest in a good dashcam.