WOKE BISHOP DECLARES WAR ON TEXAS VALUES: ‘LOVE THY NEIGHBOR’ IS A TROJAN HORSE

In a shocking turn of events that has left Austin’s conservative elite clutching their pearls (and their AR-15s), the Vatican has appointed a new bishop who—brace yourselves—actually cares about poor people. That’s right, folks. Daniel E. Garcia, the newly minted Bishop of Austin, has openly declared his intention to "speak up for the overlooked and the marginalized," a radical concept that has undoubtedly sent shivers down the spines of local politicians who prefer their charity work tax-deductible and photo-op-ready.\n\nGarcia, a man so humble his portrait was already hanging in the diocese offices before he even got the job (talk about a humblebrag), has promised to stand up for immigrants, the vulnerable, and—gasp—people who don’t look like they just stepped out of a country club. This is, of course, a direct assault on traditional Texan values, which prioritize border walls over basic human decency.\n\nBut wait, it gets worse. Garcia had the audacity to suggest that ICE raids might be, and I quote, "something wrong with this picture." Clearly, this man has never attended a Tucker Carlson watch party, where the consensus is that the only thing wrong with ICE raids is that they don’t happen enough.\n\nEven more terrifying? Garcia plans to "build relationships with political leaders" to foster change. That’s code for infiltrating the halls of power with compassion and empathy, two words that strike fear into the hearts of lobbyists everywhere. Shelley Metcalf, a diocese employee, praised Garcia’s "great character" and "humility," traits that are, unfortunately, in short supply in modern politics. Imagine a leader who doesn’t need to scream into a microphone to get his point across—what a novel concept!\n\nAnd let’s not forget Garcia’s most dangerous weapon: bilingualism. That’s right, he speaks both Spanish and English, which means he can spread his radical message of unity in two languages. This is clearly a plot by the deep state to undermine the sanctity of… well, something. Probably barbecue.\n\nIn conclusion, Austin’s new bishop is a threat to everything we hold dear: division, fearmongering, and the absolute refusal to acknowledge that maybe—just maybe—we should treat people with basic human dignity. Pray for us all. Or better yet, stock up on tinfoil hats. The woke Vatican agenda is coming.\n\nAlex Jaxon is the host of "The Lone Star Conspiracy Hour" and the author of "They’re Coming for Your Brisket: The Globalist Plot to Destroy Texas."