P. Terry's Throws Self-Congratulatory Burger Bash, Expects Applause

Oh, joy. Another fast-food chain is throwing itself a birthday party, and naturally, they expect us to care. P. Terry’s—yes, the same place that dares to call itself a "Burger Stand" while charging prices that suggest they’re serving gold-leafed patties—is turning 20. And how do they celebrate? By offering a "special" combo for $7.05, which, let’s be honest, is just their regular menu items slapped together with a flimsy "birthday" label. How revolutionary.

But wait, there’s more! The original location will host an event where you can—brace yourselves—meet the co-founder. Because nothing says "celebratory extravaganza" like shaking hands with a man who probably hasn’t flipped a burger since the Bush administration. And if you’re lucky, you might even snag one of their coveted T-shirts, which will undoubtedly end up in the back of your closet next to the other free shirts you’ve collected from corporate events you only attended for the freebies.

Of course, P. Terry’s wants you to know they’re humble and grateful. How touching. They’ve donated $2 million to local nonprofits over 20 years, which, when you do the math, is roughly the profit margin from one weekend of selling $7.05 "specials" to Austinites who’ll line up around the block for the privilege of eating a lukewarm burger in a parking lot.

So mark your calendars, folks. This Saturday, you too can participate in the grand tradition of celebrating a corporation’s existence by giving them more money. Because nothing says "community" like a drive-thru line wrapped around the block while Patrick Terry smiles for the cameras, basking in the glory of his $7.05 birthday shake empire.