Texas Legislature’s War on Fun: Dildos, Dogs, and Dairy Dominate Failed Bills

The Texas Legislature has once again proven that they’re more interested in policing your bedroom than actually solving real problems. While the state burns under record heatwaves and property taxes continue to skyrocket, our esteemed lawmakers were busy debating whether you should be allowed to buy a vibrator without a background check. That’s right, folks—your freedom to purchase a device that goes bzzz is under attack, but don’t worry, they’ll still let you buy an AR-15 without so much as a raised eyebrow. Priorities, people!

Let’s start with the real tragedy here: the failed attempt to ban sex toys unless sold in 'state-regulated sexually oriented businesses.' Because nothing says 'small government' like requiring a permit to own a silicone companion. What’s next? A state-mandated tutorial on proper use? Will Greg Abbott himself inspect your nightstand to ensure compliance? And don’t even get me started on the online age verification bill—because clearly, the biggest threat to Texas youth isn’t failing schools or unaffordable housing, but 17-year-olds ordering marital aids on Amazon. The horror!

Meanwhile, in the 'weird but not surprising' category, Texas almost made it illegal to sell puppies unless they came from shelters. That’s right—your local pet store could’ve been forced to only offer rescue dogs, which, let’s be honest, is just Big Shelter’s way of monopolizing the canine market. Next thing you know, they’ll require a background check before you can adopt a goldfish. But hey, at least raw milk sales are still in bureaucratic limbo, because nothing says 'freedom' like needing a permit to sell a glass of unpasteurized moo juice. The Founding Fathers would be so proud.

And let’s not forget the real pressing issue: cell phones in schools. Because obviously, the reason kids can’t read is TikTok, not underfunded classrooms or teachers paid in peanuts. But sure, let’s ban phones—that’ll fix everything. Meanwhile, breastfeeding moms are still fighting for basic accommodations, because apparently, providing a lactation room is too radical for Texas, but regulating dildos? That’s just common sense.

In conclusion, the Texas Legislature has once again proven that they’re more concerned with controlling your personal life than actually governing. But hey, at least we can all rest easy knowing that if the deep state ever tries to replace our barbecue with tofu, we’ll still have the freedom to buy a questionable hot dog from a gas station. God bless Texas. (Or at least, what’s left of it.)