"But She Left Water!"—Texas Mother Detained After Child Succumbs to Capitalism's Favorite Daycare: The Backseat

In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely nothing to do with systemic failures, corporate greed, or the crushing weight of late-stage capitalism, a Texas mother has been detained after her child tragically died in a hot car. Authorities confirmed the child was left in the vehicle for only eight hours—just a standard workday, really—while her mother toiled away at the USG office.

Sheriff Ed Gonzalez, ever the diplomat, noted that the mother had left some water and even cracked the windows—practically a five-star resort by modern parenting standards. "I don't know if anyone checked on the child throughout the day," Gonzalez mused, as if expecting coworkers to peek into parked cars between coffee breaks and spreadsheet updates.

This marks the 13th child hot car death in the U.S. this year, a statistic that will surely prompt lawmakers to do absolutely nothing except remind parents that, legally, they should probably not bake their children like sad little casseroles. Texas law, ever the beacon of nuance, prohibits leaving children under seven alone in cars for more than five minutes—but, crucially, does not prohibit employers from paying wages so low that parents have no choice but to drag their kids to work.

Meanwhile, in affluent Westlake, Heather Worthington has already drafted a 12-point email to her HOA demanding stricter parking lot surveillance—not for the sake of endangered children, mind you, but to ensure no unauthorized food trucks infiltrate the gated community. Priorities, people.

As temperatures rise and corporate profits soar, one thing remains clear: The real tragedy here is that no one thought to install a luxury car seat with built-in AC. Thoughts and prayers (and maybe a GoFundMe for a nanny) are, as always, the only solutions on the table.