Big Government’s War on Fun: How Safety ‘Experts’ Are Ruining Your Fourth of July

Folks, they’re at it again—the so-called 'safety experts' and their tyrannical list of rules designed to suck all the fun out of Independence Day. That’s right, the Fourth of July, the day we celebrate freedom by blowing things up and eating charred meat, is now under attack by the nanny-state elites who want you to wrap yourself in bubble wrap before daring to enjoy life.

First up: fireworks. According to these 'experts,' fireworks are dangerous. Shocking, I know. Who could have guessed that lighting gunpowder-packed tubes and watching them explode might carry some risk? But no, they insist you should just sit back and watch the 'professionals' handle it. Oh, sure, because nothing says 'freedom' like sitting quietly in a lawn chair while government-approved pyrotechnicians dictate your explosive entertainment. And don’t even think about re-lighting a dud—apparently, that’s a one-way ticket to the ER. What happened to American perseverance? If at first you don’t succeed, light it again!

Then there’s grilling. The article actually warns against using gasoline to start your fire. Come on, people! Since when did a little third-degree burn stop a true patriot? And don’t get me started on their obsession with food temperatures. '165 degrees for poultry'—oh, please. My granddad ate chicken straight off the bone with a side of raw egg, and he lived to the ripe old age of 92 (mostly).

But the real kicker? Water safety. They want you to assign a 'water watcher' to supervise kids at all times. Folks, this is just another ploy by Big Government to create unnecessary jobs. Next thing you know, they’ll demand a 'sidewalk watcher' in case someone trips over a crack. And life jackets? Please. If the Founding Fathers needed life jackets, we’d still be a British colony.

And let’s talk about the sun. These people want you to slather yourself in so much sunscreen you’ll slide right out of your lawn chair. SPF 30? Why not just wrap yourself in tinfoil and call it a day? And don’t forget to reapply every two hours—because nothing says 'party' like interrupting your hot dog eating contest to rub lotion on your feet.

Bottom line: this Fourth of July, do what real Americans do—ignore the rules, light something on fire, and blame the resulting chaos on the deep state. Happy Independence Day, patriots!