City of Austin Declares War on Drivers for Fourth of July: ‘No, You Can’t Park There’

As if the heatwave wasn’t oppressive enough, the City of Austin has decided to punish drivers further by turning downtown into a labyrinth of barricades and detours for the Fourth of July. Because nothing says “freedom” like being trapped in gridlock while a municipal employee in an orange vest waves you toward an alleyway that dead-ends at a dumpster.

According to the city’s very detailed closure map (which, let’s be honest, no one will read until they’re already stuck behind a parade float shaped like Willie Nelson’s beard), entire swaths of downtown will be off-limits to cars. West Cesar Chavez Street? Closed. Guadalupe Street? Closed. West Riverside Drive? Closed from 1 a.m.—presumably to prevent any rogue early-morning patriots from sneaking in with illegal sparklers.

The Bouldin Creek neighborhood, meanwhile, has been declared a “No Fun Zone” for non-residents, because God forbid someone parks near a hydrant to watch explosives launched into the sky by the same government that fines you for not composting correctly. Streets will be “open only to local traffic,” which, in Austin-speak, means “if you don’t have a ‘Keep Austin Weird’ bumper sticker, turn around.”

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: all closures lift at 10:30 p.m., just in time for 50,000 sunburned, over-sugared spectators to merge onto Mopac simultaneously. Truly, a logistical masterpiece. Happy Independence Day—may your Uber surge pricing be ever in your favor.