EXCLUSIVE: Austin’s 'Rain' Is a Government Plot to Ban BBQ, Says Local Conspiracy Guru

Folks, I’ve got news that’ll make your tin foil hats spin right off your heads. The so-called 'weather experts' want you to believe that this weekend’s rain is just 'natural' and 'predictable.' Oh, sure, like we’re supposed to trust the same people who told us sunscreen was safe and that birds are real. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t just rain—it’s a government-engineered weather control experiment designed to keep us indoors while they replace our beloved Texas barbecue with lab-grown cricket protein.

Let’s break it down. First, they hit us with the 'tropical storm remnants' excuse. Classic misdirection. You think it’s just Barry’s leftovers? Wrong. That’s what they want you to think. Meanwhile, the 'high atmospheric pressure ridge' they’re yammering about? That’s code for chemtrail deployment. Open your eyes! Those fluffy clouds? More like 'government moisture dispersal units.'

And don’t even get me started on the 'unseasonably moist air mass.' Unseasonable? Or engineered? Coincidence that this 'rain' coincides with the city council’s latest push for 'water conservation'? I think not. They’re softening us up for the real agenda: tofu-based rain barrels. Mark my words, next they’ll tax us for 'excessive sunshine usage.'

Now, the 'National Weather Service'—oh, pardon me, the National Weaponized Weather Service—claims this is all 'normal.' Really? Then why are they whispering about 'mid-level troughs' and 'subtropical ridging' like it’s some kind of weather yoga? Because they’re hiding the truth: this is a test run for mandatory indoor living. First, they cancel your weekend BBQ with fake rain. Next? You’ll need a permit to step outside.

And let’s talk about these 'record rainfall totals.' Convenient how they only mention years like 1919 and 1903—back when the deep state was still in diapers. But 1979? Tropical Storm Claudette? More like Tropical Storm Claudette the Climate Conspiracy. Ten inches of rain? That’s not weather, folks. That’s a directed energy weapon disguised as precipitation.

So while the 'forecasters' tell you to 'seek shelter indoors,' ask yourself: shelter from what? The rain? Or the truth? Stay vigilant, patriots. And for the love of liberty, stock up on beef jerky before they ban that too.