"Divine Downsizing: Gateway Church Sacrifices Staff to Save Its Soul (and Bottom Line)"

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except, you know, anyone with a functioning moral compass), Gateway Church is now facing the consequences of harboring a pastor who allegedly thought the Bible’s "love thy neighbor" included some very illegal interpretations. Attendance is down, donations are drying up faster than holy water in a Texas summer, and the church is now forced to make the ultimate sacrifice—cutting Saturday services. Truly, a tragedy for all those who needed an extra weekend day to repent for their sins.

But fear not, faithful flock! The church assures us that this "restructuring" is just a minor setback in their divine mission to "minister" and "love" their congregation. Because nothing says "love" like laying off staff while your former pastor demands a cool million dollars and the rights to his sermons—presumably so he can start a new grift elsewhere. You’ve got to admire the hustle: accused of heinous crimes? Just pivot to arbitration and demand intellectual property rights. It’s the modern evangelical playbook!

Meanwhile, the victim, Cindy Clemishire, has waited 43 years for justice, only to watch the church and Morris duke it out in court over who owes whom more money. Gateway’s legal team is arguing that Morris skipped mediation—because clearly, what this situation needed was more talking in circles. And let’s not forget the church’s bold claim that Morris’s contract is void because of the whole "allegedly molesting a child" thing. Groundbreaking legal theory: maybe don’t pay the guy who’s indicted for crimes against children?

But here’s the real kicker: Gateway insists they’re "dedicated to maintaining the trust of [their] church family." Because nothing rebuilds trust like layoffs, legal battles, and a founder who’s now a registered sex offender. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t just a scandal—it’s a masterclass in how megachurches operate: sin, deny, profit, repeat. And if you think this is bad, just wait until they start selling "Forgiveness NFTs" to cover legal fees. Praise the Lord and pass the collection plate!