opinion
Fourth of July in Austin: A Woke Conspiracy or Just Another Excuse to Sell You Overpriced Lobster?
Austin's Fourth of July festivities are back, and according to local conspiracy theorist Alex Jaxon, it's all a deep-state plot to turn you into a tofu-loving, bus-riding socialist.

By Alex Jaxon
Published July 4, 2025 at 11:00am

Folks, it’s happening again—the so-called 'City of Austin' is rolling out its annual Fourth of July 'celebration,' but don’t be fooled. This isn’t about freedom, apple pie, or even fireworks. No, this is yet another thinly veiled attempt by the woke elite to indoctrinate you with their socialist agenda while you’re distracted by shiny lights and overpriced lobster boils.
First, let’s talk about the 'Austin Symphony Orchestra.' Sounds innocent, right? Wrong. These are the same people who probably play Beethoven while sipping almond milk lattes and plotting how to replace your backyard grill with a quinoa salad bar. And don’t even get me started on the 'free event' claim. Nothing is free, people! Your tax dollars are funding this Marxist musical extravaganza while they quietly ban sparklers in the name of 'safety.'
Then there’s the weather forecast. 'Scattered rain and thunderstorms,' they say. Convenient, isn’t it? Just enough rain to ruin your picnic but not enough to cancel their precious fireworks. Coincidence? I think not. This is classic weather manipulation—probably courtesy of the same folks who brought you 'climate change' and gluten-free buns.
And parking? Oh, they’ve got that covered too—with a labyrinth of road closures and 'alternative transportation' options designed to herd you like cattle onto CapMetro buses. Free rides after 5 p.m.? That’s just Big Government bribing you to give up your God-given right to sit in traffic for two hours.
But the real kicker? The sheer number of events. From 'Red, White and Bougie' rooftop parties to 'Lobster & Friends' seafood boils, it’s clear Austin’s elite would rather sip champagne than salute the flag. And don’t even get me started on Willie Nelson’s picnic. Sure, it’s a 'tradition,' but since when did tradition involve a man who’s probably never met a tax he didn’t like?
So this Fourth of July, while you’re dodging raindrops and overpriced hot dogs, ask yourself: Who’s really celebrating freedom, and who’s just using it as an excuse to sell you $78 lobster? Wake up, sheeple! The revolution won’t be televised—it’ll be livestreamed from my bunker. Happy Independence Day!