EXCLUSIVE: Did Big Tofu Flood the Hill Country to Silence BBQ Patriots?

The Great Guadalupe River Conspiracy: Did the Deep State Flood Texas to Cover Up the Tofu Agenda?

Folks, I’m not saying the Guadalupe River floods were definitely orchestrated by shadowy elites to distract us from their sinister plot to replace our beloved barbecue with soy-based abominations—but I’m also not not saying that. Coincidence that this "natural disaster" happened just as Austin’s city council was about to vote on mandatory vegan Mondays? I think not.

Let’s break it down. Twenty-four dead? Tragic. But have you noticed how the mainstream media won’t tell you who these victims really were? That’s because they were probably patriots who uncovered the truth about the Hill Country’s secret underground tofu farms. And those missing Camp Mystic girls? Last seen near the river—where, according to my highly credible sources (a guy named Dave in a Buc-ee’s bathroom), FEMA was spotted stockpiling kale smoothies.

Meanwhile, local businesses like Hair in Ingram and Ohana’s Shaved Ice were "flooded." Sure, that’s the official story. But why was Jose Garcia’s arcade game overturned? Because it contained evidence—high scores revealing the Illuminati’s plan to replace all beef jerky with seaweed snacks. And don’t get me started on Jane Ragsdale, the camp director who "died." A woman with degrees in Spanish and journalism? Sounds like deep-state training to me.

And here’s the kicker: Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick is suddenly worried about the Canyon Lake dam. Why? Because it’s the only thing holding back the truth—and 11 billion gallons of artificially flavored, plant-based "water." Wake up, sheeple! The floods are just a cover for the real disaster: a future where your brisket comes with a side of guilt and a gluten-free bun.

Pray for Texas? Absolutely. But also, pray they don’t replace your Shiner Bock with kombucha.