‘Unacceptable!’: Westlake Mom Outraged That Flash Floods Dare Interrupt Her Organic Juice Cleanse

Oh, the horror! The absolute travesty of it all! The heavens have opened up over our pristine Austin suburbs, and now we’re expected to—what?—adjust our lives because of a little water? I, for one, refuse to let Mother Nature disrupt my meticulously scheduled Pilates class or my weekly organic farmers market pilgrimage.

First of all, who gave the National Weather Service permission to issue such a dramatic warning? Do they not realize that some of us have important things to do, like coordinating our children’s Mandarin tutors or ensuring our Teslas remain spotless? And don’t even get me started on the audacity of listing all these affected areas—as if West Lake Hills should be mentioned in the same breath as Pflugerville. The indignity!

And what’s this nonsense about ‘low-water crossings’? If the city had just installed proper drainage (or better yet, privatized it so the HOA could manage it), we wouldn’t be in this mess. I’ve half a mind to call the mayor’s office and demand they send out a fleet of helicopters to airlift us to safety—or at least to the nearest Whole Foods.

But no, instead, we’re told to ‘not drive on flooded roads.’ Excuse me, but I pay good money for my SUV’s all-wheel drive, and I’ll be damned if I let a little rainwater tell me where I can and cannot go. Besides, how else am I supposed to document this ‘crisis’ for Instagram? A flooded Starbucks drive-thru is prime content, people.

So, to the National Weather Service, I say this: Next time you want to issue a ‘warning,’ maybe consider the real victims here—those of us who now have to reschedule our Botox appointments. Priorities, people. Priorities.