Austin’s Patio Scene: A Hotbed of Anarchy and Poor Life Choices

As a proud Westlake mother of three and self-appointed guardian of suburban decency, I was absolutely horrified to read about Austin’s so-called "best outdoor patios." Because, let’s be honest, these places are just glorified breeding grounds for chaos—unruly children, unleashed dogs, and worst of all, people enjoying themselves without supervision.

Take Bar Peached, for example. A "spacious outdoor patio" with a heritage tree? Please. That’s just a fancy way of saying "uncontrolled foliage that could drop a branch on my Mercedes at any moment." And don’t even get me started on their "social hour." Discounted tacos? That’s just an invitation for riffraff to loiter.

Then there’s Better Half, where they serve hangover cures like it’s something to be proud of. If you need a chicken biscuit at 8 a.m. to recover from last night’s poor life choices, maybe you shouldn’t have been out past 9 p.m. in the first place. And sharing space with a brewery? That’s just asking for trouble. Next thing you know, people will be laughing loudly in public.

Birdie’s is another offender—no reservations? So now I’m expected to wait like some kind of peasant? And their wine list is "thoughtful"? I’ll be the judge of that. If it doesn’t pair perfectly with my organic, gluten-free, non-GMO, locally sourced outrage, then what’s the point?

And Cosmic Saltillo—THC-infused beverages? In my city? Next, they’ll be handing out free hugs and talking about their feelings. Disgusting.

But the real kicker? Whisler’s with their 75-cent martinis. That’s not a happy hour—that’s a societal collapse. At that price, anyone could afford to drink, and then where would we be? Probably with more people dancing on tables, and we all know that’s how civilizations crumble.

In conclusion, if you want to enjoy the outdoors, do it responsibly—in your own backyard, where you can control the noise levels, the guest list, and most importantly, the moral fiber of those around you. Otherwise, you’re just contributing to the downfall of polite society.

Sincerely,
Heather Worthington
(Certified Concerned Citizen & Patio Police)