Shakira’s ‘Generosity’ and Other Celebrity Flood Relief Performances

Oh, what a heartwarming display of celebrity virtue signaling! Shakira, the Colombian songstress whose hips allegedly don’t lie (but her accountants might), has graciously decided to toss a few pennies from her San Antonio concert to the poor, soggy victims of Texas’ latest flood disaster. How noble! How selfless! Truly, the world has never seen such generosity—except, of course, for every other time a celebrity has done this exact same thing to distract from their private jet emissions.\n\nBut wait, it gets better! Matthew McConaughey, the Texan heartthrob who once played a detective in True Detective, has taken to X (formerly Twitter, before Elon Musk turned it into a digital circus) to remind us all that Texans are "resilient and generous." Yes, Matthew, we know. We’ve seen them rebuild after hurricanes, wildfires, and now floods—all while Hollywood types like you post about it from air-conditioned mansions.\n\nAnd let’s not forget Eva Longoria, who—in between sips of her artisanal kale smoothie—managed to squeeze in an Instagram Story about how "unbelievable" it is that flooding affected a summer camp. Unbelievable? Eva, sweetie, have you met Texas weather? This is the state where it can be 110 degrees one day and underwater the next. Maybe spend less time filming Desperate Housewives reboots and more time reading a weather app.\n\nMeanwhile, Miranda Lambert is out here saving the real victims: the pets. Because nothing says "priorities" like launching a fundraiser for displaced dogs while human families are still sleeping in shelters. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs—but maybe let’s make sure the two-legged survivors have a roof first?\n\nAnd then there’s Khloé Kardashian, who—despite having no discernible connection to Texas—has decided to make the floods about her maternal instincts. "As a mother, this hits me hard," she writes, as if the rest of us without reality TV deals are incapable of empathy. Thanks, Khloé, but maybe save the performative grief for your next KUWTK spin-off.\n\nFinally, the NFL swoops in with a cool $1.5 million donation—which sounds impressive until you realize it’s roughly 0.0001% of their annual revenue. But hey, at least the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders chipped in half a mil. That’s almost enough to buy one of their sequined outfits!\n\nSo there you have it, folks: another tragedy, another round of celebrity pity posts, and another reminder that the rich and famous will always find a way to make it about themselves. But don’t worry—Shakira’s prayers are with you. That should fix everything.\n\nAlex Jaxon is the host of "Wake Up, Sheeple!" streaming nightly from his bunker in South Austin. Follow him on X @RealAlexJaxon (if it hasn’t been banned yet).