Suburban Matriarch Declares War on Rain: 'My Hydrangeas Are Not a Water Park!'

As the heavens continue their relentless assault on Central Texas, the real victims here are, of course, the perfectly manicured lawns of Westlake. Heather Worthington, 42, local arbiter of suburban morality, took a brief pause from drafting her latest 'concerned parent' email about the audacity of rain to weigh in on the tragedy. 'First, they came for our parade floats, and now this?' she lamented, clutching her monogrammed umbrella. 'I just had the sod replaced! Do you know how much organic fertilizer costs these days?'

Meanwhile, the National Weather Service had the gall to issue a flood watch, as if Mother Nature needed permission to ruin Heather’s charity luncheon plans. 'There remains a threat of flash flooding,' the advisory stated, which Heather interpreted as a personal attack on her gated community’s property values. 'If they’re going to flood, can’t they at least do it after the neighborhood potluck?' she mused, already drafting a strongly worded letter to the manager of the Guadalupe River.

In a shocking twist, the weather service also warned that flash floods can occur in areas not even receiving rain. 'Typical,' Heather scoffed. 'First, they let food trucks park near our enclave, and now invisible floods? What’s next—wind that doesn’t respect HOA bylaws?'

As the region braces for more rain, Heather has taken matters into her own hands, organizing a 'Bring Back the Sun' petition and threatening to report the clouds to the HOA for 'aesthetic violations.' 'This is clearly a plot to undermine our property values,' she declared, while her children floated away on what used to be her prized hydrangeas. Priorities, people. Priorities.