Austin Bureaucrats Play 'Will They or Won’t They?' With Flood Victims’ Lives

Oh, what a shocker—another day, another bureaucratic blunder in the so-called 'progressive paradise' of Austin. City Manager T.C. Broadnax, fresh off his latest taxpayer-funded coffee run, has come out swinging in defense of Fire Chief Joel Baker, who apparently thinks 'mutual aid' is just a suggestion, like veganism or using turn signals.

Let’s break this down, folks. The Austin Firefighters Association, led by the ever-vigilant Bob Nicks, is accusing Baker of essentially playing gatekeeper with emergency aid during the Kerr County floods. According to Nicks, Baker’s orders were so crystal clear that they might as well have been written in invisible ink: 'Do not deploy. Do not even ask.' Inspiring leadership, really. Meanwhile, Baker’s defense? 'Oops, my bad—I should’ve said maybe we’ll help.'

Broadnax, ever the loyal lapdog, rushed to Baker’s defense with the kind of blind faith usually reserved for cult leaders and people who still think Austin’s traffic will improve. 'Long track record of supporting neighboring communities,' he says. Sure, T.C., and I have a long track record of being an Olympic sprinter—just ignore the fact that I’m typing this from my couch.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the people of Kerr County, who probably thought mutual aid meant, you know, actual aid. Instead, they got the Austin special—a hearty 'thoughts and prayers' and a bureaucratic shrug. But hey, at least the city’s priorities are in order. Who needs flood relief when you’ve got another roundabout under construction?

Stay tuned, folks. The next chapter in this saga will likely involve Baker getting a promotion, Broadnax issuing another statement written in Comic Sans, and the firefighters union being labeled 'radicals' for daring to expect competence. Welcome to Austin, where the only thing we rescue faster than our egos is our own political careers.