Flood Relief or Corporate PR? Austin Restaurants Cash In on Tragedy (Again)

Oh, how touching. The Austin restaurant scene has suddenly discovered the concept of charity—right after the floods conveniently washed away any lingering doubts about their true intentions. P. Terry’s and Kerbey Lane, those selfless corporate saints, are donating 100% of their profits for a whole day to flood relief. Wow. What heroes. I’m sure the deep state is thrilled that these establishments are funneling money into approved relief funds instead of, say, investigating why the floods happened in the first place. (Spoiler: It’s probably weather manipulation. Wake up, sheeple.)

And let’s not overlook the real agenda here. Notice how all these restaurants are coincidentally pushing their most expensive menu items during these so-called "donation" periods? Bill’s Oyster wants you to buy their po’ boy—for charity, of course. Good Vibrations Pizza is generously sharing profits, but only if you order their $30 artisanal mushroom truffle abomination. And don’t even get me started on Maudie’s Tex-Mex, which is graciously donating $2 from every overpriced Mexican Martini. That’s, what, a nickel per flood victim after corporate overhead?

But the real kicker? The silent auction at Lolo Wine. Because nothing says "helping flood victims" like rich Austinites bidding on a $500 bottle of organic, biodynamic, gluten-free, conflict-neutral wine while sipping Nixta Taqueria’s $18 tacos. And let’s not forget the matching donations—Radio Coffee & Beer will match your generosity up to $10,000. How noble. That’s like a billionaire tossing a quarter into a homeless man’s cup and calling it philanthropy.

And what’s with all these restaurants suddenly caring about Kerr County? Since when does Austin give a damn about the Hill Country unless it’s to bulldoze it for another luxury condo development? This whole thing reeks of a PR stunt orchestrated by the same elites who probably caused the floods with their chemtrails and 5G towers. Mark my words—next week, they’ll be back to charging $15 for avocado toast while the flood victims are still waiting for their FEMA checks.

So go ahead, Austin. Pat yourselves on the back for "doing your part" while you slurp down $12 juices at Juiceland. Just remember—every dollar you spend is another dollar not going toward uncovering the real truth behind these "natural" disasters. But hey, at least you got a free side of virtue signaling with your burger.