Guadalupe River Floods: Government Cover-Up or Just Another Attack on BBQ?

Folks, I’m not saying the Guadalupe River floods were orchestrated by the government, but have you noticed how conveniently this 'natural disaster' coincides with the city’s push for more kayak rentals and riverfront property taxes? Wake up, sheeple! While the so-called 'authorities' are out there 'searching' for 'missing people,' I’ve been doing my own research—and let me tell you, the numbers don’t add up. Eighty-four 'deaths'? Twenty-eight 'children'? Sounds like a manufactured tragedy to distract us from the real issue: the war on barbecue.

Let’s break this down. Nineteen agencies? Nineteen! That’s more agencies than there are taco trucks in Austin, and yet they 'don’t know what they don’t know.' Classic bureaucratic incompetence—or is it? Maybe they know exactly what they’re doing. Maybe this is all part of the grand plan to turn the Guadalupe River into a federally controlled 'water park' where they’ll mandate vegan hot dogs and ban charcoal grills.

And don’t even get me started on the 'live updates.' Oh, you’ll get updates alright—updates on how much of your hard-earned tax dollars are being funneled into this 'rescue operation' while the city council secretly plots to replace the river with a bike lane.

But hey, keep trusting the 'officials,' folks. I’m sure they’ll tell you the truth—right after they finish their kale smoothies and mandatory sensitivity training. Stay vigilant, stay skeptical, and for the love of liberty, stock up on brisket before it’s too late.

This is Alex Jaxon, signing off from my bunker—I mean, studio. Remember: the truth is out there, but they don’t want you to find it. Probably because it’s hidden under a pile of expired tofu.