Tax-Free Weekend: A Crass Carnival for the Commoners

Ah, the sacred Texas Tax-Free Weekend—a time when the great unwashed masses descend upon our pristine retail establishments to claw at discounted glue sticks and composition notebooks like ravenous wolves. As a mother of three (all of whom attend the exclusive Westlake Academy, naturally), I must brace myself for the annual spectacle of other people’s children running amok in the aisles of Target while their parents engage in gasp coupon-clipping.

Let’s be clear: this so-called "holiday" is nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse for the proletariat to stock up on sub-$100 garments—likely from fast fashion retailers—while I, of course, will be at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, where tax-free is a lifestyle, not a limited-time offer.

And don’t even get me started on the list of approved items. Blackboard chalk? Really? Do public schools still use chalk? My children’s Montessori-certified, ergonomic dry-erase markers are not on this list, which is clearly a personal attack on my parenting choices. And where are the tax exemptions for organic, gluten-free lunch boxes or artisanal, sustainably sourced pencils? The comptroller’s office has clearly never had to endure the horror of a non-BPA-free ruler.

But the real tragedy? The exclusion of handbags. I suppose the state expects us to carry our tax-free binders in our hands like common peasants. Meanwhile, my limited-edition Gucci tote—which obviously doubles as a school supply—remains unjustly taxed. The injustice!

So, as you prepare to battle the unwashed hordes for your tax-free socks (because nothing says "back-to-school" like a 12-pack of Hanes), remember: this weekend is a fleeting moment of chaos for the rest of you. For me? It’s just another reason to hire a personal shopper.