Austin Flood Victims Discover Government Warnings Are as Useful as a Screen Door on a Submarine

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted—except, of course, for those of us who’ve been screaming about it for years—Austin’s flood victims are now realizing that government warnings are about as reliable as a vegan at a barbecue cook-off. At 3 a.m. on Saturday, the Basey family woke up to their daughter’s screams and water rising outside their window. But don’t worry, folks, the government’s emergency alert system sprang into action—90 minutes after the floodwaters receded. Nothing says 'efficiency' like a life-saving email that arrives just in time to remind you to 'seek higher ground' after you’ve already been clinging to your floating couch for an hour and a half.

Travis County officials, in their infinite wisdom, have vowed to 'study' how to better inform residents of future disasters. That’s right, folks—your tax dollars at work, funding yet another committee to figure out why 'Hey, you might drown!' wasn’t conveyed with enough urgency. Meanwhile, the National Weather Service, which is apparently understaffed because the deep state would rather fund studies on the emotional lives of sea cucumbers, sent out alerts that sounded exactly like AMBER alerts. Because nothing says 'imminent death by drowning' like a notification you’ve trained yourself to ignore after the 50th false alarm about a missing kid three counties over.

And let’s not forget the heroic efforts of Governor Greg Abbott, who—after 94 people died in Kerr County—suddenly discovered that maybe, just maybe, Texas should invest in something called a 'warning system.' But don’t worry, he’s 'vowed' to look into it during the next special session, right after he finishes signing bills to ban rainbow flags in public schools. Priorities, people!

Meanwhile, Burnet County Sheriff Calvin Boyd delivered the most profound statement of the crisis: 'Mother Nature is kind of hard to handle sometimes.' Wow. Groundbreaking. Next, he’ll tell us water is wet and that Austin’s city council is secretly plotting to replace all our tacos with kale smoothies. Oh wait—that’s my job.

So here’s the takeaway, folks: If you’re waiting for the government to save you, you might as well start practicing your doggy paddle now. Or better yet, move to higher ground—preferably somewhere outside the reach of bureaucratic incompetence. And if you hear a weird noise on your phone at 3 a.m., just assume it’s either a flood, an abduction, or another press release from Greg Abbott promising to 'act now.' Good luck out there.