Intel Axes 110 Austin Workers in Bold Strategy to Lose Even More Money

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except, you know, everyone who’s been paying attention for the last decade), Intel has decided to trim the fat—by which I mean, fire 110 Austinites who probably thought their jobs were safe because, hey, at least they weren’t working at Twitter. The tech giant, fresh off its "worst-ever performance" (a $19 billion loss, which, for context, is roughly the GDP of a small island nation), has decided the best way to "serve the needs of customers" is to make sure those customers have fewer employees to bother with pesky things like "support" or "QA."

Intel’s new CEO, Lip-Bu Tan, clearly took one look at the balance sheet and said, "You know what this company needs? Fewer people and more vibes." And by "vibes," he means "desperate cost-cutting measures." The layoffs are part of a grand vision to become "leaner, faster, and more efficient," which, in corporate speak, translates to: "We’re going to make the remaining employees do three jobs for the price of one while we funnel the savings into executive bonuses."

But don’t worry, folks—Intel promises to treat these laid-off workers "with care and respect," which we can only assume means a generous severance package of nine whole weeks of pay and benefits. That’s enough time to binge-watch every season of Silicon Valley while frantically updating your LinkedIn profile with phrases like "open to new opportunities" and "excited for the next chapter."

Meanwhile, Austin’s tech scene continues its proud tradition of being a revolving door of layoffs, with Tesla contractors and now Intel employees joining the ranks of the "disrupted." At this rate, the city’s unofficial motto should be: "Keep Austin Employed… For Now."

So, to the 110 newly minted members of the "funemployment" club: Welcome! Your initiation packet includes a free month of LinkedIn Premium, a link to a questionable crypto side hustle, and a complimentary vape pen (courtesy of yours truly). Just remember—when one tech door closes, another one slams shut behind you. Stay agile, my friends. Stay agile.

This article was written on a laptop powered by an AMD processor because, well, you know.